INHIBITED SEXUAL DESIRE: WHAT IS NORMAL-FOR YOU? ACTING OUT TOUR SCRIPT

No two sexual scripts are identical, but then, they do not need to be. As long as there is some common ground and as long as motives are not in direct conflict with each other, two people can come into a sexual encounter with different preconceived notions and still have sex that both find acceptable and satisfying.

Every sexual interaction is a negotiation between two "actors" who may be pursuing the same thing for very different, and perhaps conflicting, reasons. Many of us are able to negotiate those differences most of the time by subtly altering our own expectations. However, if you are unwilling or unable to compromise about the differences you do have, problems are more likely to appear in your sex life. If getting your needs met means preventing your partner from getting his or her needs met—as happened in Barbara and Dan's case—those problems are probably going to be dramatic and distressing. In fact, sex may become a source of tension, anxiety, and conflict—so much so that interest in it may decrease markedly and at least one partner may experience ISD.

By the time Barbara and Dan came to us for help, they resembled two actors appearing on the same stage but performing two different plays. Barbara's script, like those of many high-desire individuals, involved wanting to engage in sexual activity frequently and for many different reasons, including to experience physical pleasure and excitement, to express and obtain love and affection, to unwind, and most significantly to bolster her sense of self-worth, affirm her attractiveness, and prove her competence as a sexual partner and a person.

Although Barbara did not recognize the connection between having sex and her self-esteem, when Dan began to rebuff her sexual advances, she reacted vehemently and felt extremely threatened. According to her internal sexual script, Dan was not only keeping her from engaging in an activity she enjoyed, but also withholding a major source of positive feelings about herself.

On the other hand, Dan not only assigned sex a low priority in his life, but also viewed it as frivolous, an activity that consumed valuable time he believed should be devoted to meeting his many "responsibilities." In addition, he interpreted Barbara's sexual overtures as demands to "perform for her benefit." This made him feel pressured, and as far as he was concerned, he already had more pressure in his life than he could handle. Her script said "more sex" at the very same time his was suggesting "less."

As you can see, ISD is often the result of incompatible scripts. Equally disastrous, however, are compatible scripts that contain unrealistic expectations and unattainable standards.

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